You’re not listening to me!
Attention Teens, Young Adults and Parents…
Do you feel like your parents or significant other doesn’t “hear” you when you are talking to them?
Do you find you can’t go to your parents or significant other because they will just give their opinion or are quick to find you a solution, therefore you don’t feel heard?
They are not responding this way because they don’t care. They do care! That is why they are trying to fix it and make it better. However, that’s not always what we need or want to hear.
When your parents or significant other continues to give you their opinion or give you solutions to the problem, do you find you don’t want to talk to them about certain things anymore or that you immediately get defensive and leave? That is totally fair to act this way. Those kinds of responses indirectly minimize your feelings; therefore, you tend to say things like “you don’t get” or “you’re not listening!”.
A simple tip I share with teens, young adults and parents when they want to talk to their person about stuff, but don’t want to deal with their other person’s response, is to set up the conversation with a simple question/statement:
If you are the person going to your special person to talk, tell them: I just need you to listen to me while I talk. I don’t need your opinion or a solution right now, I just need to talk.
If you are the person listening when your person comes to you to talk, and they don’t already tell you, ask them: Before you continue, do you want me to just listen, give my opinion or a solution?
Your person may be open to a solution, but not at that moment. You can check on them later and ask if they would like to discuss further.
This video below does such a great job at recognizing the MOST HELPFUL thing you can do for a loved one when they need to talk, is to just LISTEN and VALIDATE, REPEAT, and REFLECT their thoughts and feelings back to them.