Parents: “…but I want them to like me!”
First, I want to preface that how you parent is your own choice. There are hundreds of books and articles, and speakers out there that talk about different parenting strategies, and you have to find the ones that work for you. So my little blog this month is just a summary of thoughts from working with many families over the year.
It’s not a personal opinion or right vs. wrong.
We are living in a time where we are seeing parenting swing from one end of the pendulum to the other. Coming from parents who used to be reactionary and quick with a yell or a hit to command discipline and respect, to now parents who are practicing “gentle parenting” or not saying “no” in case their kids won’t like them and give them everything they want, hoping that earns them respect.
How do you be a parent and also be your child’s friend?
Well, the answer is: you can’t be both.
Being a parent requires providing structure and boundaries, as well as love and respect. To be someone’s friend, not all those same expectations or roles are needed. Children are born a blank slate with you (the parent) as their guidance and leader to show them the way. They look to you to know what is right from wrong or what is scary vs. safe. Enforcing consequences or creating boundaries is how they understand choices, as well as how to connect with others outside of a parent-child relationship. Your child may not always like your decisions; however, that doesn’t mean they don’t love you, and in return, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You are doing it because you love them, and this is how respect is formed in a relationship. If you create fair boundaries and set clear, reasonable expectations, you are setting up your child to succeed in the long run.
For example, if your child comes to you saying they want this cool new video game their friend has, you can either just buy it for them, although knowing they have many video games OR encourage them to find ways to earn the money to buy the game. These expectations and boundaries enforce that parents are not free-running ATMs, and also create lessons around the value and respect of money and earning something for yourself.
Don’t forget, one day your child is going to grow up to be an adult, working and socializing in the BIG world. If you can parent them while they are young, creating expectations, boundaries and structure, then when they are an adult, this will give them space to call you their friend.
What is the toughest thing you've found about being a parent and the relationship with your child(ren)? Leave a comment below.